In the life of me.

Yesterday I decided to go over the list from the previous post with my mother. The entire time I spoke calmly and quietly. Soon as I said that I had things that have been building up for years that I needed to resolve with her, she got on the defensive and immediately became manipulative with the, “I guess I’m a terrible mother, your mother-in-law is so much better than me, I suppose our relationship is over, fine I’ll be there in an f’ing week” ’s. I rose my voice fractionally to get her to shush for two seconds for me to talk calmly to her again. I explained that I did not want her to visit right away, that the call was to resolve things, not cause more friction between us. The MIL comment was uncalled for and I never ever have brought that up and I told her as much. I have not once compared them to each other (Ok, not to their faces or over the phone…but seriously MIL is you know, sane and adult while my mother seems to be diving off the deep end and childish). I explained that I felt that she has not supported me since I’ve been an adult and she denied that. Her excuse for not coming out here to visit was that she can’t bear to leave us behind when she’d fly back to the US. Us being me and John, not one dang word about Bryan. I told her it hurt that she won’t even give him a chance, she just decided to scream incoherantly some more about not coming here or something. The last time she was manipulative to me on the phone, I called her on it, she got pissed and frustrated and tossed the phone over to Doc.

This resulted in me getting a lecture on how she shouldn’t be screaming and such not because she just had surgery. FYI, it was not major surgery at all and it was a week ago. It was to deal with hemroids, Bry jokes that it was to get the tree out of her ass. Doc also thinks that the whole reason I called was to get her to visit. Um, no. So I had to start all over again and not finish again because he had to get to work. Ok, I called at 7:30am their time and it was 7:45am by the time we hung up. The office does not open until 9am and they live less than 5 minutes away from there. Whatever, I’m going to let her cool off and wait for her to call me. I’m sick of being more adult than my mother.

Yes, I know she got married right out of highschool and had a baby within that year too. Sure her young adulthood got ripped away from her, but that does not mean act like you’re 5 when you are 50! I had a lot of my childhood ripped away and I refuse to revert backwards. I’d much rather grow elegantly, like a tree…and perhaps get stronger as the years go by.

I must say, last night was the best sleep that I have had in a while. It felt good to get most of that stuff off of my chest.

You all might want to know what brought all this on too. Wednesday night Bry called my mom while I was delivering baked goods to RCIA. He called to ask her to come visit in April or June when he’d be here so she could give him a chance. That took balls, massive balls to do and I am proud of him for it. He said that she told him that she was still upset with me for chosing Germany over my family. I called her on that and she said that’s not what she said at all. She manipulated what she told me to sound so nice and sweet and understanding, exactly how she isn’t about things like this. This is where I go WTF?! She’s trying to play me against my husband? Not working!!!!

To be honest, my mom used to be medicated for her “moods”. We’d call them her “happy pills”. Her second husband convinced her that she didn’t need them any more and she’s been off of them now for about 13 years. Holy crap the mood swings are scary with her. Oh yeah, speaking of the three husbands she’s had/has, she decided to say, “That’s right, I’m a terrible person. That’s why I’ve been divorced so much, no one can stand to live with me.” I tried to calm her down about that, telling her that I was not calling her a terrible person at all, didn’t work. But seriously, if she acted to them like she has to me, I don’t blame them for getting the hell out.

*hugs*
~Jen

1. I am an adult, have been for quite some time now.
2. I can make my own choices.
3. I will not be manipulated by you.
4. Due to choices that you and dad made, I was forced to grow up faster than any child should. Dawn wasn’t responsible enough to take care of me while you worked 3 jobs to support us, I took care of me then and I was rather young then.
5. As a teen, you would chose your significant other over me several times, often leaving a teenager in the house alone for days at a time, while you went on some trip.
6. I love my husband dearly and my son. It hurts to see you be “that mother-in-law”, you know, the sort of MIL that you always had that you could never stand. That’s what I don’t get. You always wanting a loving and kind MIL, but you can’t even be one to your son-in-law.
7. Yes, I chose to stay in Germany, but I did not chose Germany over -my- family. Bryan and John are my family. Sure, you, Doc, Dawn, the boys, and Pops are family, but -my- family is my husband and son.
8. You tune out what you don’t want to hear and lash out about it later. That’s messed up. Take time, listen to me, understand me, accept me…accept my husband, my choices, and my life.
9. Speaking of acceptance, I won it easy from you as a child. Now that I am out from your grasp, you try to control me to get me to make choices that you can accept. I feel suffocated by you and I am no where near you. Sometimes you have to let go of the things you love to let them breathe. Please, let me breathe.
10. You always say you will “try” to visit, you never do, unless Bryan is away. No more will I go see you alone. Once more, I do not want to be manipulated and guilt tripped. Instead of visiting us, you go off on some exotic trip and try to buy me crap to make up for not seeing me. No thanks…I want your love, not stuff.

Ok, I think all that is out now. I’m seriously considering seeing a psychologist due to her now. She drew the line yesterday and crossed it. That will have to be an entirely different blog.

*hugs*
~Jen

When Bry gets deployed, I have about 4 options on where to go to live. Enjoy my list and if you want, vote on it.

SC

Pros

1. Close to Mom and G-ma

2. job waiting for me

3. CNA and X-ray tech training, free

Cons

1. 8.5 hour difference from Bry

2. 2 hours from a base (for VTC’s…video telephone conference)

3. No military wife support

4. Religion conflicts (me being Cathloic and Mom hating that)

5. No friends, only family

6. Uprooting us more than neccessary.

7. 2 months more away from Bry while he re-integrates

8. We’d have to pay for Bry to help us move.

9. Lender furnature.

10. Our stuff in storage for a year.

Stay here in Germany

Pros

1. More friends still here than I thought

2. Be with Bry while he re-integrates

3. 2.5 hour difference from Bry

4. 5 minutes away from the base (for VTC’s)

5. Tons of military support

6. A church I have grown to love

7. Close to Lahndschtule should something happen to Bry downrange

8. Move all together for free.

9. Have all our stuff.

10. Can still try to find a job here.

11. John enrolled in child care to give me sane moments

12. Can always fly home for visits

Cons

1. Far from family

2. No job

Ft. Meade (in MD)

Pros

1. 2 family friends there

2. close and far enough from family to not drive me crazy.

3. easier to find work

4. On base, lots of support

5. set up our new home for Bry’s arrival

Cons

1. 8.5 hour difference from Bry

2. Far from Germany

3. 2 months extra away while Bry re-integrates

4. Have to pay for Bry to fly out to help us move.

Ft. Bliss (TX)

Pros

1. Friends from HS close by

2. Base support

3. easier to find work

4. Set up new home for Bry’s arrival.

Cons

1. Family is far away

2. 9.5 hour difference from Bry

3. Far from Germany

4. 2 months extra away while Bry re-integrates

5. Have to pay for Bry to fly out and help us move

That’s it. If you all think of anything more, let me know.

*hugs*

~Jen

Well, I better keep you all in the know. I’m going to keep this brief though, my head is still trying to wrap around it all. Bry is deploying this summer for nine months. After six years of him serving, nearly seven (it will be seven when he ships off) years. He’s volunteering to go, which is good, it will serve well on his records. I’m not fully sure where I wanna be while he’s off being soldier boy. SC is an option, I’ll be close to my mom, have a job at the office, and free child care. Ft. Bliss offers old time friends close by and Ft. Meade has friends that I had here. It will also keep us more stable instead of moving after a year. So we shall see. Heavy praying is going on in this house.

*hugs*
~Jen

Thanks to the power zapping out, my computer is fried. Bry’s still works and at least we were going to replace mine with a laptop when our taxes get back. I’m tired of things breaking these past two weeks. I want something to go right for a change.

*hugs*
~Me

HRC has not confirmed our base choice as of yet. Bry was supposed to sign away 4 more years of his life to the Army, but since HRC hasn’t gotten their act together, it’s not happening. It needs to happen this week or he’s going to get screwed out of a bonus again. Hopefully we hear something today.

I’ve honestly had enough stress lately. For the past two weeks we’ve had heat, not have heat, had it back again, broken bathroom door, no bathroom door, new bathroom door, hot water, no hot water, hot water again, no water at all and back to no heat in the house, period. The DPW guys came up today and said the main hot water line is busted and that it needs replaced. They said they would “maybe” fix it today. I’m soooooooo ready to move!

*hugs*
~Me

You know who you are! This woman has been in a big part of my life. She and her family were so good to my family in the past. I will never forget the kindness and compassion they showed. Have a great birthday and I hope to visit you once we make our move to TX. It’s been too long since I’ve seen ya!

Love you!

*hugs*
~Jen

Our parish is having a pilgramage to Medjugorje this year. I really want to go. Last year I missed out and this year, I think I will too. Bry wants me to go too but he does not think he can get the 4-5 days off so that he could watch John. Not to mention the price tag of the trip, nearly 470 Euros. Sure we could maybe stick in on a credit card, but I’d rather not, I want to pay those off. I have no idea if we’ll have taxes back in time for it either being that the W2’s haven’t come in yet either.

What stinks even more is that I had no idea it was so close to Split, Croatia when we were just there! I would have said forget the tour we did go on and see if we could have gone to Medjugorje instead. Oh well, such is life. Maybe if we get stationed here again we’ll get to go.

*hugs*
~Me

I must say, I did not vote for him. I felt he was too inexperienced. Honestly, I was afraid for that very reason. Now I see that he might do some good for our country. I saw bits of the luncheon after the actual swearing in. It was nice seeing how friendly he really is. I’m gonna give him a chance, after all, he’s my hubby’s new boss.

*hugs*
~Jen

So this re-enlistment thing has brought on Mom issues for me. I find it funny how my mom can totally reject going on a trip here or on a cruise with us (which was their idea to begin with) and turn around the next month to go on a cruise or trip of their own. Most recently they left the day ater Christmas and returned the day after my birthday from the Bahamas. They went on a cruise…needless to say, I felt dejected again. Since I have been married, I have seen my mother four times. One time of which my husband was present and that was because he came with me…had to because we moved here. The other times I have seen her was once in CA while the hubby was away, once in PA when my grandmother passed when the hubby couldn’t be there again, and one other time after I had my miscarriage and Bry had to go do training. See the pattern? She’s avoiding my hubby. Then when word happens that he could possibly deploy, “Oh you and John can live with us then.” No. If she cannot make the effort to come see me, then why should I live with her?

This all branches out from when I was a teen and she was going through marriages like underware. She’d find a new guy, date him, go on trips with them and leave me at the house alone. Sure she’d leave money on the counter for me, but back then she really wasn’t there for me. It still happens to this day and not just to me, she does it to my sister too. They live on the same side of the US and my mom has gone to see her twice in six years. Twice! Even once they lived in the same state.

Mom seems to have an issue with our significant others. It’s like she thinks they are stealing us away from her. Which brings up a hippocrital thing towards my mother. Meems used to treat my mom that way with my father. Now mom is doing that towards our SO’s. Totally screwed up. She hasn’t even made the effort to get to know my husband. He has called her twice, once when we got engaged. That phone call resorted in an hour long lecture from my mother as to being sure that he would not get me pregnant. Then he called again roughly four years later to annouce that our son was born. I got an earful from her that he did not provide enough information fast enough for her. Sorry, it was nearly 5am when he was born and we had been awake for an entire day. He did call her before he dragged himself to bed.

I need to have a chat with her. My sis suggested writing her a letter. This has gone on far too long to have me merely write. We need to have a nice sit down. It’d be better if I could talk to her face to face. I want her to visit and I want her to visit while my hubby is around so they can get to know each other.

*hugs*
~Jen