In the life of me.

Appetizer
Who is the easiest person for you to talk to?

My husband

Soup
If you could live in any ancient city during the height of the quality of its society and culture, which one would you choose?

Athens

Salad
What is the most exciting event you’ve ever witnessed?

I’d have to say Ren. Faire stuffs. Some of those events are quite spectacular. Especially when ya get coined by the Queen for that year. Yes, that was very nice.

Main Course
If you were a celebrity, what would you do for a publicity stunt?

I wouldn’t. There are better ways to seek attention. Ok…they do have positive publicity stunts so I guess I would pull off some fundraiser for a leukemia foundation.

Dessert
What do you consider the ideal age to have a first child?

I’m biased here being that I’m preggo with my first…23!

Appetizer
Say there’s a book written about your life. Who would you want to narrate the audio version?

If I’m still alive when said book is written, I’d like to do it. Otherwise, I have no clue other than a family memeber.

Soup
Take the letters from your favorite kind of nut and write a sentence. (Example: Perhaps every avenue needs understanding today.)

Brave
Randy
At the
Zoo
In
London

Salad
If you could go back in time and spend one week in another decade, which decade would you choose?

I’d go for the 1920’s. I’ve always wanted to know what it was like living in the flapper era.

Main Course
Name a song that brings back memories for you.

Desperado by The Eagles. It reminds me of my late father, alot. It was his favorite song and I remember singing it in the car with him on those few weekends I got to spend with him as a kid.

Dessert
Do you prefer to wash your hands in cold water or warm water?

Medium water. I don’t like freezing cold water and I don’t like scalding hot either.

~Jen

Not long after I posted my last post, I felt this wave of peace surge through me. It had nothing to do with venting. This feeling literally made me stop what I was doing and feel the warmth of it. That feeling made me see that I am a strong woman and that I can get through this time with my mother. This peaceful feeling also made me realise I need to be calm. That when I address my mother again, I need to be kind, show her that I am indeed happy in my life. Maybe, just maybe then she’ll see it and believe it. My mind kept envisioning Tree Pose from Yoga. It is the pose I feel the most strength in. I feel centered and anchored. I am a tree that is refusing to be choked out by weeds and pollution. I am a tree growing stronger, ever rising towards the sun.

*hugs*
~Jen

So Saturday came and went, the day I fully intended to let my mother know how I feel. I called her and we had a semi-nice conversation…as in, she actually held a conversation with me. However, I did feel some tension in the air and I just didn’t bother to bring it up. We were kinda happy, right? Wrong. She talked to me knowing full well she had this whopper of a 6 page letter in the mail to me.

What’s bad about this letter? Oh my…lots. I swear the thing opens up like a Dear John letter with the, “I don’t know how I want to start this, but…” Gotta love the “but…” Why does that one word cause one’s stomach to twist in knots? Then it goes into how I’ve upset her through the years. The getting engaged, the picking out my wedding dress with my mother-in-law after my mother decides to not make the dress (what was I to do, fly out there on a college student’s salary to go pick one out with her instead?), the getting married, not finishing school, and *gasp* me changing churches but still being CHRISTIAN! She’s seriously treating this conversion like I’m an Aethiest (sorry if my spelling is off, it’s blasted 4am) or something. Then she sneaks in there that her husband is upset because she’s upset and how I’ve just managed to upset the whole family with my new choice. She refuses to tell Grandpa because it will damage his health.

The part that infuriated my husband and I is where she skirts around the idea that my husband is like my ex-step father. She feels that he is controlling me and my thoughts. No, he is not. I was raised to be a strong and independant woman. Is she having doubts on her parenting? My husband is nothing like my ex-step father. After I saw that look in his eyes when he hit my mother, I knew exactly what not to fall for. Once again, learn by observation. Why does she feel that her daughter can’t be perfectly happy?

Then I get to the part where she mentions her jealousy of my in-laws. My sis tipped her off that I feel more welcome with that family than my own. Once again, she breaks the trust I have in her, and that hurts. I was going to tell mom that when I was good and ready. Why does this being raised open and honest constantly bite me in the bottom?

Right now I’m being told respond in kindness. At this time, I really don’t know how to do that with her. Perhaps I need to cool off a bit, do more yoga, and then get back to it. I don’t know. I think there was more I was going to write just now too but I’m feeling beaten down. The rain and wind from the storm that is my mother has worn me down. It’s time to rise up to the sun, dry off, and become strong again.

*hugs*
~Jen

Describe your laundry routine. Do you have a certain day when you do it all, or do you just wash whatever you need for the next day? Usually it is Sunday’s and Wednesday’s. I’ll go down the four flights of stairs with my hubby to sort it. Then in goes the Clorox too and All Free and Clear and chugga chugga goes the washer. Sometimes I’ll go back down the stairs to move the clothes over to the drier (making sure hubby’s uniforms are taken out first to air dry). I make the hubby come down to pick it all out of the drier these days.

Soup
In your opinion, what age will you be when you’ll consider yourself to truly be old?

Oh no, no, no. I refuse to be “old”. I want to feel forever young.

Salad
What is one of your goals? Is it short-term, long-term, or both?

Short term would be to have this baby (just over 5 weeks left!).
Long term would be me going back to school and actually working towards a major.

Main Course
Name something unbelievable you’ve seen or read lately.

The Stramato thing. They believed that their tomato had a strawberry in it. Scientists say that it’s just a nice cluster of tomato seeds in the center that look like a strawberry. It’s impossible for the two to cross breed.

Dessert
On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being highest, how happy are you today?

Well, I’m eatting yummy leftovers from last night for breakfast (a cheesy ham and hashbrown casserole, so don’t look at me funny!) I’d say an 8.5 right now. I’d be a perfect 10 if my hips and fingers didn’t hurt.

*hugs*
~Jen

No, no, I don’t have a substance abuse problem, it’s just the best title I could think of for what I’m blogging about. If you’ve read my previous post, you know that I’m having an issue with my mother at the moment. To sum it all up, no matter what I do, I seem to cause her a lot of disappointment.

I had a nice talk with my sister about this, yesterday. Mind you, she’s not on the best of terms with dear ol’ mom either, that’d be the Worried About My Nephews post. Apparently since my change of church (Community of Christ to Catholic, BIG change), she and mom have been able to talk a bit more. And yes, just as I suspected, mom is worried that she is pushing me away. Go figure, she won’t say much more than, “mmhmm, yeah, oh nothing…” or complete dead silence. When she’s like that I know something is bugging her. What peeves me is that we were raised to be open about our feelings. Now my mom is clamming it all up and not admitting to it. It hurts me. I know full well what she’s upset about (her hubby is acting like this too, when she’s upset, he’s upset. He actually outright ignores me now, gotta love that.). Why should I feel like the “black sheep” of the family because of my choice of church? Yes, I know that the change happend within about a week, but I did pray and think on it hard. God gave me my answer, I listend and followed. I’m quite content with this parish and feel very welcome within it.

This weekend I plan on calling my mother and standing up to her. I want to lay it all out there on the line. All these years of hurt from her, I want out. I do not want to carry it with me any longer. I need to clean that all out of me. I know I need to do that because I found myself whirling about the house cleaning like a mad woman because I’m so upset by this. No, it’s not nesting right now and it sure as hell isn’t pregnancy hormones. It’s 23 years of pain that needs to be gone. I need to get it out, show forgiveness, and forget about it. I think the forgetting part will be rather difficult. Honestly, I feel the need to be really blunt with her. Just to outright tell her that her pushing me aside because of me seeking family coheasion is childish. Since Bryan and I have started going to church, our relationship has improved, not like it needed it, but it has improved.

Since last night I’ve gone over in my head exactly what I’m going to say. I’m still not sure about it. The one thing that keeps popping into my mind is to just out right read off the list from my last blog. Ask her why I seem to be such a disappointment to her and if she can get over it and actually be proud of me for a change. I want her to see that I am indeed happy, that my husband is a great man, that I am capable of taking care of myself, that I am a woman and not a little girl. I’m the youngest so I struggle with showing her that I’m an adult constantly. I’m 23 and I get treated like I’m 12 by her. I act 30, yet she still sees me as a little girl. Yes, I know, it’s a mom thing to do to their youngest, but I’m sorry, she needs to wake up. I can’t constantly feel held back by her. I can’t take her breaking me down all the time. There’s only so much building up I can do. I feel everytime I get back up that there is some weak spot in it that she keeps finding and bam, here I go falling down, brick by brick. I don’t need that.

Ok, time for me to go. It’s time to vaccuum up the crumbs upon my floor and then lay back and feel accomplished.

*hugs*
~Jen

No, that is not how I feel about myself. It seems to be how my mother feels about me. Don’t feel sorry for me, this is just stuff I need to get off my chest. I’ve talked about it verbally but that seems to not be good enough for me. I have to get it out even more in the open.

Why am I not good enough for her, let me show you the ways:

1. I go to college, not good enough for her because I didn’t graduate…as in I didn’t finish, great grades, just never finished my major.

2. I get married to the man I love, not good enough because I married at 19 and she never met him.

3. I get decent jobs through my life, during college and right out of college, not good enough because now I’m not working.

4. I wait to have children until I am married, not good enough because I’m too far away.

5. I’m carrying her grandson, not good enough because it’s not a granddaughter.

6. Because of said new family member, I decided to convert to my husband’s church and start going to church with him. This is a choice I made in prayer and good thought, listend for God’s answer and did what He said. This too is not good enough because I’m not going to “our church”, the church that generations of her family has gone to, the church that I was raised in.

What’s the deal? Why do I have to constantly get upset by all this? Why do I carry this with me? I no longer feel the need to impress her, I stoped that need a long time ago. I just don’t get how the only parent I have left on this Earth has to be so unsupportive. It hurts and it hurts too much. At this point, I don’t even know why I bother praising about good things that happen in my life to her. I’m almost betting this convo I had with my sis last week spilled out to my mother via my sister. I mentioned that sometimes my mother-in-law feels more like a mom to me than my own mother. I’m sorry, but it is true. She is far more supportive and understanding and she isn’t judgemental. My mother likes to rip the floor right from under you and point her finger. Tough love all the time. I believe in tough love when it is needed. She worries about pushing my sister and I away from her. Well, she’s doing just what she doesn’t want to do and just what I don’t want her to do either. I love her, I need her in my life, but I need her to be supportive, loving, caring, understanding…all the things in a mother that I want to be.

Alright, I better drag myself into bed and wipe these fresh tears from my eyes. For once I don’t blame pregnancy hormones on these.

*hugs*
~Jen

Appetizer
What is your favorite kind of pie?

Oh this would be a tie between my strawberry pie and my Gramma’s blueberry pie.

Soup
Name something that made you smile this week.

Feeling my son roll towards my husband’s voice at story time before bed.

Salad
What do you do to cool off when the weather is hot and humid?

Sit in the house, surrounded by fans and eat frozen, German, dark chocolate.

Main Course
You receive $1,000 in the mail with a letter that says you can only use the money to redecorate one room in your home. Which room do you pick, and what do you buy to spruce it up?

I would revamp my bedroom. To make it more romantic, get sconces that won’t get knocked off the wall by a clumsy hubby (I have sconces now that are…well, broken now due to hubby flailing his arms when he wakes up). Some new bedding would be nice, perhaps satin sheets…yum! We would need sexier curtains too, gold isn’t cutting it for me. Hmm, and we can’t paint really so perhaps invest in some cheap, yet decent art to decorate our walls with instead of a blanket from my hubby’s basic training, a tiger poster, and a gob of dream catchers.

Dessert
Fill in the blank: My _________ says __________, but I __________.

My mother says she’s disappointed with my recent change of church, but I don’t care because I have the right to choose and the right to family coheasion.

Ok so maybe I do care, otherwise I wouldn’t be posting it. Oy.

*hugs*
~Jen

Appetizer
On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being highest, how polite are you?

I give myself a 9 being that I do belch out loud in pride at times. Ok, so maybe an 8.

Soup
What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?

Memories of High School that I shared with a buddy over IM this morning. Good times.

Salad
Who is your favorite cartoon character?

Well, it used to be Tweety, then that drove me up the wall. Mildly I would say Sponge Bob…but I’m even thinkin’ no to that. How about the elf guy from Drawn Together? hehe

Main Course
Tell about the funniest teacher you ever had.

Mr. Dropps, there wasn’t a day of choir where he didn’t get us all to have great belly laughs. He was quick to get us back on track too. I’ll never forget his jelly fish story in Corpus Christi.

Dessert
Complete this sentence: I strongly believe that ______________________.

I strongly believe that I will be a fantastic mother.