In the life of me.

D2:Fuck. Goddamn instant messenger. Now I’ve got a fuckin’ automatic search engine that I didn’t want to use, and now my I.M. and explorer are already battling each other. Fuck. Other than that. Life’s good. How are you?
Me: I’m ok just feeling confused/conflicted.
D2: What’s wrong my dear?
D2: Besides being an overactive bundle of hormones and a human being I mean…
Me: I went to my first Catholic mass and got all teary eyed upset at communion since I’m not Catholic I can’t partake in it in a Catholic church. It deeply bothered me.
D2: Hmm… Well, that’s why I don’t go to church. Christ invited everyone to his table. If it bothers you enough, you have options you know.
Me: I know, I know.
Me: Bry and the priest want me to take the classes and then decide if I want to convert. I’m trying to go through this with an open mind but very many things bother me…baptism at birth (which the priest so kindly asked about our lil’ bundle of joy and when he will make his appearance and offered baptism right away), and confession.
D2: You can go through all the jazz to become a catholic. You could just take communion anyway–’cause God ain’t gonna’ send a lightning bolt. Or you could get satisfaction knowing that God is everywhere and that Christ’s true message is that we are all his people and thus the church.
Me: And that is what I believe. I believe that no matter what form of Christian church you belong to or were baptised in that you can take communion.
D2: Baptism at birth couldn’t hurt. Some religions insist that it should be at an age where one could choose. However, for argument’s sake if the Church is right, better safe than sorry. It is, highly symbolic though…
Me: Bry stresses that birth at baptism is for original sin. Sorry, lil’ John here didn’t make Adam and Eve eat the apple.
D2: …and not just Christian I might add. Remember the story of the good Samaritan? Also, Christ wasn’t a “Christian”–he was a Jew.
Me: Didn’t Christ die on the cross for all of our sins? So why should humanity have to cleanse themselves before they even had the chance to sin?
D2: Aaah. I’ll be nice and refrain the first things that pop into mind. Bryan’s a traditional Catholic is he?
Me: *nods* A bad one…first time he’s been in about 4 years, but yes.
Me: I’m a firm believer in you shouldn’t get baptised until you know what it means.
D2: Here’s what I think is the best thing in the world to do. Focus on the gospels. (First the traditional four: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.) Then look for the other gospels (the one’s mainstream Christian’s don’t want you to read.) Then look into Buddhism and look for the parallels between Buddha and Christ’s messages.
D2: It’s all about Love, forgiveness, compassion/mercy, self-control, taking the moral high road, honesty, the best for all, piece of mind, optimisim, confidence/faith, educating yourself, and taking the right actions. God’s perfect–we are and we aren’t. That’s life.
JenBenKoepl: I agree
D2: Christianity–any brand of it, like all other religious believes deviates from what it’s supposed to … for instance: the sabbath is dusk friday night to dusk saturday night, and contemporary Christian’s celebrate the Sabbath on the wrong day–talk about adding insult to injury, the sabbath is practiced by westerners on Deis Solus (Sunday) the day devoted to Mithras, the Sun God.
Me: Yep, all for conversion sake
D2: Easter–Eostre, Istar–a day devoted to the fertility Goddess–the whole bunny thing, with straw, grass, and eggs–all a part of fertility rite.
Me: Most Christian holidays fall on…crap, now I can’t even think of the word…
D2: most of them fall on “pagan” or Roman holidays.
Me: Thank you
D2: Christmas=Saturnalia, All Saint’s Day=Sam Hein,
D2: St. Patrick’s so-called driving the snakes out of Ireland was a symbollic way of saying he massacred the pagans.
D2: I hate that fucker for that.
Me: Let’s not forget the lovely Crusades. Catholics aren’t forceful on getting people to convert my big rear end they aren’t!
D2: Still, I do not mean to drive you from faith. Whatever gets you closer to God. My answer has been the last few years, a combination of meditating on Christ’s message and the symbolism of his acts, the teachings of the Buddha–many of which Christ borrowed (there’s an interesting legend by the way in Buddhist cosmology about Christ before he was even born!), quantum physics, and the beauty and joys of this life that I know firsthand.
D2: **supposedly born, that is.
Me: For years I struggled meshing Native American beliefs with that of Christ. My happy medium is praising Him while outdoors because that is where I really appreciate His work.
D2: I, like the Hindus, suspect that Christ may have been an avatar.
D2: Jen, read the gospel of St. Thomas. Also, somewhere out there (I think it’s St. Thomas) there is a story about Christ saying something like “split open a piece of wood–there I Am. Lift up a rock–there I Am.”
Me: He’s everywhere.
Me: I know
D2: Look, my dear, just don’t fret. Do what feels right to you. Me, in your position–I would convert, then if it wasn’t for me, I’d walk away. It’s easier to walk away from something, than it is to spend your life regretting NOT doing something you wished you had done.
JenBenKoepl: I’m going to at least do the interview with the priest and take the classes. I’m doing my best to go through them with an open mind but it’s difficult knowing the things I already know and believe…and knowing what I dislike about the Catholic church as well.
Me: Hell, they don’t even consider Bry and I married since I didn’t convert and get married in a Catholic church. What am I, some heathen?
D2: But to be fair, all human institutions are a crock. Every religion, every fraternity/fraternal organization/ every government/–every institution is corrupt or at least corruptable.
Me: I agree
Me: I went through a struggle last year between my church and the Mormon church.
D2: Yeah, but, and I can’t believe I’m defending the church here, but every religion says we’re right, and if you’re not with us, you’re wrong. (The only exception I know of, being traditional Buddhism, which doesn’t deal in the supernatural–only in ethics and clearing the mind of unnecessary goop).
Me: Oh apparently the Pope man man recently declared that all other religions are wrong that the Catholic church is the only one that is right.
Me: I kinda thought that was every church’s belief too. Mine didn’t seem forceful on that. We were open to other Christian faiths.
D2: key word being “other CHRISTIAN faiths”
D2: also, try openly disagreeing with the pastor or the prominent body of the church–they’ll reveal themselves to be the same as others… On the other hand…
Me: *nods* Everyone has their own beliefs. It’s just that those with similar beliefs pair up together and form churches.
Me: I plan on being rather blunt with this priest.
D2: An institution that is too open, fails to be a “real” religion–because we must have unifying morals/ethics if we are to be a functioning society.
Me: I’m sorry but it got to me when he was already planning the baptism of my son. That’s not the way to talk to someone who is new to the church.
D2: …Lovely catch-22 isn’t it?
Me: Oh yeah
D2: But… remember, he’s a priest–if he’s a genuine one–he’s saying what he thinks is a moral imperative.
D2: I disagree with the so-called religious and the outright secular all the time. Too liberal or too conservative is equally bad… Dogma and strict ideology directly contracts the Christian and Buddhist notions of not judging others.
Me: YEah just like great Father Toban in Portales asking Bry and I about pre-martial sex and if we enjoyed it. Sorry…um, I will not disclose that info to you. That is specifically between God and I.
Me: That was my first turn off to the Catholic church, btw.
D2: But… we do have to discriminate in terms of behaviours, if we are to be faithful to a higher ethic… “Love the sinner and hate the sin.”
D2: I understand Father Tobin left the church.
Me: really?
D2: I can’t remember who told me that… J.S. I think.
Me: I’d imagine it to be him since he is Catholic.
Me: I respected Father Tobin until he asked that question.
D2: There’s a contradiction in the Catholic church… in the church, the priest and confession are the bridge to God. But Christ taught us to go directly to the “Father.”
D2: However… shouldn’t you forgive him?
Me: Yes, I should forgive him.
D2: It would also help you to life some burden off of yourself.
D2: er,,, lift, not life.
Me: It’s another reason why Bry wanted me to go yesterday…so I gave the church a second chance.
D2: So, do you think I”ve talked in circles yet or not?
D2: I think I did.
Me: But then I came feeling upset all over again about the communion. I mean I got the message from the sermon like I was supposed to. I just couldn’t get over communion.
Me: No, I like talking religious stuff with you because I know you are well educated in it.
D2: Go with your heart. I–whoa… messenger malfunction. Crazy shit.
Me: *nods* I plan on it. I plan on doing a ton of praying too.
D2: I’ll say it’s easier to walk away from something that isn’t right for us, than it is to live regretting not doing something. But to me, God is everywhere and everything, and as the Bible would even say, God is Love–so if what you’re doing promotes Love and life, and not death, sin, and unnecessary pain…
D2Anyway, are you feeling any better about your dilema? I say it shouldn’t even be one. weigh out all the pros and cons, and then move forward.
MeYes, I do feel better. I mean…I wasn’t in tears talking about it this time around.
D2 with true Love in your heart. You can never go wrong with true Love in your heart.
D2plus… it’s my pleasure to listen to you anytime.
MeThank you!
D2No matter what. Just know this. God Loves you and always will, no matter what you do–God is Love, God is Truth, God is eternal. In eastern parlance You are a part of God. In western parlance, you are a part of his plan and his creation. Have the faith in “Him” (and “Her” and “It” and reality and yourself.) You cannot go wrong.

MeI do…so to sum it all up it doesn’t even really matter what church you “belong” to, just that you have the core beliefs and follow the good path.

d2Anyway– We are the church… “For what you do to the least of my people, you do unto me.”
D2Moses: What shall I call you Lord? God: I Am that I Am……. Buddha: We are all one. ………. Yeshua/Jesus: We are all one body.
D2uantum physics in a nutshell: we are all the same thing—pure energy.

D2aw of Attraction: You attract that which you are… You are your most prominent thoughts. (Christ, Buddha, James Allen, countless others…)
D2o not worry my dear. Go with Love–true Love–and you can do no wrong.
MeI’m doing my best not to fret. But now for some reason the water works turned on again. Bry just woke up and I brought up the point of baptism at birth and Jesus dying for all sins when he was crucified and he has no answers for me.

D2: Reread the gospels with the understand that a)Jesus, if not the son of God or even if who was, was in the least a very wise and intellegent being… b)
D2: b)people of ancient cultures often spoke in metaphors and in symbolism
Me: *nods* Yes, I should have even done that before I went to the service to begin with. My Bible is neglected a bit…
D2: c)actions speak louder than words
Me: Oh I know that very well, both of those
D2: d)and that, Jesus as an eastern philosopher was showing us that we are all one body, one person “Everyman.”
D2: so, therefore, what Jesus did was not die for your sins… that’s hogwash… your sins are already–and always were already forgiven… what we have when we put a) + b) +c) +d) together is:
Me: Oh I rather like that viewpoint.
D2: the truth that God and us are one, the nature of life and how others shall be, how we are to be, how we are to believe in ourselves and in endless possibilities (“with faith the size of mustard seed one can move a mountain) and by recognizing that we are Christ, and to be Christ we must be like him… (the Christ means “annointed one” by the way and Yeshua, is a deritive of Yehwey–something like “God is in Him” or “Here is God.”) and also by the way, in traditional Hebrew belief God was both male and female.
Me: I’m so saving this convo for future reflection too.
D2: By the way, there is a story that predates Christianity, that says the Christ visited the Buddha and they exchanged wisdom with one another–I hinted at this story earlier. Thus if you read both of their messages you will start to see universal messages, the exact same parables, (they both preached: faith in self, faith in God/The One, mercy, the Golden Rule, the parable of the mustard seed, the story of the fig tree…)

Me: Yes, I remember learning those parallels. I find them rather interesting.
D2: Christ was crucified, prophecy aside, because he had the audacity to upset the political system by saying that we are all equal. Historically, people DID NOT sit at the same table, Jews with non-Jews, men with women, different classes, the healthy and the sick… God=Heaven=Love=Us all recognizing that the reality is here and now=We are all one.
D2: There. I’m done preaching.
Me: *hugs* Thank you so much. My mind is more at ease now.
D2: As HE would have said, “Go in peace to Love and serve.”

***Sorry for some of the editing, apparently I accidently hit the insert button. I’m too lazy to go back and fix it***

Also, I have since forgiven Father Tobin and have moved on from that. It’s sad that I hung on to that for four years.

*hugs*
~Jen

Today I went to Catholic mass with my husband. I went with an open mind but the one thing I could not shake was not being able to take communion. I was raised Christian, baptised Christian, and live a Christian lifestyle. My church has open communion, as long as you’ve been baptised in a Christian church you can partake in that sacrament. In the Catholic church, you have to be baptised Catholic. It didn’t really get to me until we started that part of the service and I just ended up in tears. How can someone of Christian faith be denied that sacrament? That deeply bothers me. I also don’t like taking the sacrament every Sunday. Sorry, I grew up having it the first Sunday of every month and that makes sense to me. Sure, we all sin and communion is how we cleanse ourselves in a way…but my goodness, every week?

We went to the priest after the service and asked him about it and instead of giving us a direct answer he said that he’ll interview my husband and I and then I can start classes. Then he spotted my rather out there preggo belly and said that in September, when I’m due, we can baptise our son. Then by Easter I can be baptised if I have chosen to convert. I’m really torn by this. The other issue I have is the baptism at birth. I don’t believe in original sin. When you are fresh on this earth as an infant you have commited no sin. I was baptised when I was 8, when I learned between right and wrong and learned what baptism was all about…when I had a choice.

My final issue that I have for now is confession. No, I did not have to go to the confessional, but I do not believe that there needs to be a middle man between God and I. To me it seems like the church’s secret keeper. I would rather deal with my problems with God directly, thank you.

I want our son to be able to decide what church to go to when he is old enough as well. I just…I just don’t know what to do. I know I need to pray about it, but praying is not going to take away the things that bother me about that church. Any advise?

*hugs*
~Jen

Alright guys and gals, this seriously is bothering me. So much that I’m letting my 3am heartburn be an excuse for me to be up to get this out. My mind has been racing since I talked to my mother, er, yesterday.

My sister visited my grandparents and mom for a little over a week with her two boys. I honestly remember when these boys were good and sweet and that was when our father was alive. Since then, my nephews have had no good male role model in their life on a consistant basis. Apparently this visit was a nightmare for my whole family. My mom and her hubby have worked hard to get a doctor’s office up and running. A and J decided it’d be fun to bust up whatever they could there including a flower pot, a lock to a door, and a few other things. My sis’ response to this? “Oh, well the building was old, it was probably gonna do that anyway.” Um no, that’s when my mom should have stood up to her and said, “Your boys wrecked what we’ve worked hard for, either you need to pay for it or the boys need to work it off to learn respect.” Later that week J decides to urinate in my mothers flower bed. Mind you, she doesn’t live in the boonies, she lives in a nice, quiet town where neighbors do live rather close by. J wasn’t being restricted from using the bathroom either, he knew darn well that there were two restrooms in the house that he could use with ease. Not only that, but they both tried to sneak into the RV my mom and her hubby have, that they told repeatedly that they can’t go in there. My mother was hawk eyeing them the whole time while my sister just sat back and did nothing. That bothers me. It’s like she’s given up on parenting.

What did the boys do at Great-Gramma and Great-Grampa’s house? Well, they destroyed the pond, took out every last rock that constructed the water fall for the pond, tore apart Gramma’s patio, and pretty much killed all of their beautiful plants that they’ve put their heart and soul into for many years. They left trash wherever they could lay it down that wasn’t the trash can. Those boys should have helped G-ma and G-pa put all the things back in order. It burns me that they have so much disrespect.

All of this lead to a big family discussion last Sunday. Grampa headed it off and my sister decided to blatantly lie to him. We all see that she does have marriage troubles, heck, so do her sons, that’s why they act like that. They see the weakness between the two of them and they attack it. They know that they don’t agree on things so they do everything they can to wear them down and break them. It’s not right. Grampa also confronted her on her hubby supporting the boys and their education. She said he’s behind them for good schooling all the way. Lie, right there and I know it. I’ve heard him say many times that he hates that my sister and the boys will read, that it’s a waste of time…that he wants to burn all the books in their house. It doesn’t help that A is ADHD (unmedicated because my sis doesn’t want him to turn into a “zombie”), dyslexic, and has troubles learning. I honestly feel that if he was medicated, even just a little, and given plenty of things to stimulate his mind, that he’d be ok. Children with attention disorders like that do need that constant mental stimulation. They crave it. Everyone but my sis can see that her and her hubby need counseling and parenting classes…that their boys need a bit of psychiatric help (please excuse me for my poor spelling, it is 3am). Grampa even offered to pay for it all but my sis refused. By the end of the discussion my mom’s hubby had enough and told my sis and her boys to get out, that they were not welcome in their home anymore. Monday my sis left for the beach from my grandparent’s and yesterday she should have been driving back home.

My mom is worried that she’s lost my sister all over again. I told mom that it’s ok. She’s giving her tough love. One day my sis will realise that her boys do need help and so does she. I’m sorry her husband belittles her all the time. It’s caused her to eat and eat and blimp up a bit. Her boys see her eatting habits and follow them. The oldest is 5′1 and 115 pounds!

It scares me. It really scares me. The path these boys are following isn’t a good one. I’m afraid that they will disrespect the wrong person one day and they will either end up in jail or killed. Why is it that my sis and her kids have to learn the hard way and I sit here and learn by observation? It pains me. My heart really does ache for them. All I can really do is pray for them.

That’s another thing, while in church, in the middle of the sermon, the boys decided to fight each other (mind you, they even sat in different pews). Then when they knew they were going to get in trouble, they raced to the back of the church. My sis had to chase after them. They also swear way more than any 10 and 9 year old should. They constantly use God and Jesus’ name in vain. They used to be very religious until their church burned down. Then it’s like they gave up in faith and God, not to mention themselves.

I was asked by my mom to not talk to my sis about all this. It’s going to be hard because I’ve been wanting to discuss it with her for a long time. However, I was asked to talk to my grandparents about all this. To let them know my sis was lying to them. To tell them what I’ve seen on my visits there. How I always leave feeling discusted with my brother-in-law and saddend by how my nephews act. Seriously, do you all see what I see? Or am I just being a paranoid aunt? Please don’t give me the, “boys will be boys” bull either. Their behavior has gone on for far too long.

*hugs*
~Jen

Recently a friend of mine had to go back to the US on emergency leave. She trusted my husband and I to take care of her cat while she was away. I accepted with no problem and I was told who was taking care of her dog while she was away as well. The dog is staying with the two of her other friends that are caring for it. Yet for some reason they are given a house key and the keys to the truck. It just doesn’t seem wise to me.

Since the night she has been away, my hubby and I have been over there. We take care of the cat, play with him, clean up the house a little, switch on a different light, and make sure everything is in order before we leave. Every day I message my friend through MySpace (friggen evil place, I swear, never ever go there) to let her know what we’ve done. The second night I find her note mentioning that she didn’t get to the dishes so I go for it. Hell, the last thing she wants to come home to after three weeks of being away is a messy house with mold encrusted dishes. Bry even swept up some dog food that was all over the floor and also put in a trash bag since the other girls who were taking care of the house neglected to do that and just tossed trash right in the bin. Gross!

So I report back to my friend on what we did that day too and she showers all of her helpful friends with appreciation. Somehow that bites me in the bottom. One of her friends hunted me down on MySpace and emailed me. She was saying that I was taking credit for what they did. She said that they cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes, took care of the cat, that I was starving the cat. That lovely person (yes, being rather sarcastic) had the gall to state, “I know you’re pregnant and it might cause you to flake out and all, but if it’s just too much of a burden for you drop the key in my box *insert address here* and I’ll do it.” That just lit my fuse, after a busy week of doing rather good things (getting the bone marrow drive promotions going, helping a good friend out, waiting to hear if a good friend went into labor, etc) and being burned out, I was fuming mad. To have someone I don’t even know bust my integrity, sorry, I’m not having that. I am an honest, trustworthy, dependable, loyal person and to have someone who doesn’t know a dang thing about me try to do something like this, wow. It was totally uncalled for.

I called my friend at her aunt’s house and let her know what was going on. She said she believed me and would talk to the other girl later that day. She said the other girl can be that way sometimes. I figured it would be best to contact my friend instead of sending a flaming email right back to the other girl. I did have one typed up though but as I talked to my friend, I closed the window out after deleting the text I had typed up. I later switched my profile there to private. I don’t want any more drama from people I don’t even know!

My friend did mention that the other girls could not find the cat food. However, the night they left, they showed me and told me that the cat gets fed at night. Bry and I go there every day after dinner to take care of the kitty. Since the other girls couldn’t find it, they stuck bowls in the middle of the floor with food and water that the cat didn’t touch at all. Cats are finikey creatures.

I’m just hoping this is the only bump in the road in the next two and a half weeks while my friend is away. The last thing she needs to worry about is her friends doing crap like this to each other.

*hugs*
~Jen

Appetizer
What is your favorite fruit?

I am a fruit lover. I have no favorite fruit in all honesty. Fruit is nature’s dessert and I love that very much!

Soup
Who is someone you consider as a great role model?

Now this is a good question. The only person I ever remember looking up to my entire life was my mother. She was a tough woman. She raised two girls on her own for 8 years and held three jobs while doing it. Mom refused to get government help and busted her butt to keep it that way. She showed me determination, love, loyalty, dedication, hope, independence, and so much more. Those of you that know me personally know that often times my mom and I have our moments. I just try to remember the good stuff.

Salad
If you were to spend one night anywhere within an hour of your home, where would you choose?

Home as in where I live now, I’d go to Rudisheim and have a picnic by the river.

Home as in where I really would love to be…I’d go up and down 17 mile drive and just enjoy the ocean and all the life around it.

Main Course
Name something you do too often.

I swear when I’m upset. I was really good about not doing that until hormones came around and took me over.

Dessert
Fill in the blank: I really like ___________ because ____________.

I really like people who don’t create drama because it makes life a lot smoother.

~Kind of a cop out answer but it was how I was feeling at the moment. Someone I don’t even know decided to make drama and involve me in it. I should honestly blog about it to get more of the steam out.

~Jen

Daddy snuck back in the room and spelled out Dragons in the foam letters.

“Sir John Richard” is what the sword reads, this hangs upon his door.

Ok C posted this on her page and she got it elsewhere so go visit my blogroll and check her out, k?

Appetizer – What was the first job you ever had?

Newspaper deliverer…oh it sucked. Nothing like carting around 100 pounds of paper and then trying to convince your customers to pay you. I was promised a nice paycheck and never got the full one. I quit after my first month.

Soup – (Taken from Bravo’s Inside the Actor’s Studio) – Name a profession you have always wanted to try.

I’d love to be a chef some day but I’d be afraid I’d not enjoy eatting the food anymore. OR that I’d be sick of cooking all day and not want to cook at home.

Salad (also from the Actor’s Studio) – Name a profession you would NEVER want to try.

Garbage collector, yuck!

Entree – (also from the Actor’s Studio) – What is your favorite sound in the world?

I’d have to say the laughter of children.

Dessert – (and from the Actor’s Studio) – If there is a Heaven, what would you like to hear from God when you arrive?

Oh now this is a good question. I’d like to hear God say that I have done a lot of good in my life. For a while there I wasn’t sure of myself. Now that I’ve got the bone marrow drive registry going I know what I am capable of. I know I can do more…and I am. Raising awareness to all the bases in Europe. Sweet, no?

~Jen

Apparently this lil’ un is at about 30 weeks. And we were all thinking I’m 28 weeks along. Now I’m even more scared!

Yes, I know the pics are huge…sorry.